A Spiritual Heart Transplant {Conversations with Myself}

First i would like to thank Spirit for such a beautiful day. I am sitting on our back deck in 70+ degree weather in February in Erie. It’s unheard of. Usually the topics I share with you have pertained directly to my wait on the transplant list. Today, I would like to share something very deep and personal with you. I felt that in order to be prepared for this physical heart transplant, I also needed a spiritual heart transplant. And this is how it happened.

I closed my eyes, relaxed my body and became one with my breath. I imagined it was a beautifully sunny day with the perfect temperature and light breeze. I was walking through a meadow of colorful wildflowers following a path of short grass. I came upon a small child of about three years old sitting on the path holding a blue daisy. She turned, smiled and welcomed me over. The child was me. She had long brown hair, big brown eyes with long eyelashes, perfect coloring and a big magical smile. She was wearing a red gingham sundress and had a scar down the center of her chest. This was our conversation.

me: hi, wow you’re gorgeous.

her: thank you, so are you.

me: how are you? how do you feel?

her: I feel wonderful. I am a miracle, and so are you.

me: yes, we are. would you like to sit in my lap? I held her to me and rocked her back and forth.

me: you are so brave and courageous. I hope I can be that brave and courageous for my transplant.

her: you already are

me: i love you so much

her: i love you too.  I have to go now. You can come visit me anytime

With tears streaming down my face I watched the little girl and her blue daisy cross over a small creek bridge and into the trees. I hollered out to her..goodbye baby girl.

*After I gathered myself together, I went deep. I went to the place I know I needed to go but till now didn’t have the strength or courage to go.

I closed my eyes once more and returned to the meadow. As I walked along the path I met a young woman of about 23 or so. She had short brown hair, big brown eyes and wore an old ball cap with a red billiard ball on the front. She was very thin and frail looking in her top and cut off denim shorts. The young woman was me. This was our conversation.

her: hi, I’ve been waiting for you. She told me you would be coming

me: it’s nice to see you. how are you doing? {we walked down to the creek and sat on the edge tossing stones while we chatted}

her: I am lonely but doing well. I miss my family. Are you angry because I left and moved out here?

me: angry? no way. I am so proud of you. That took guts kid, leaving like you did. You left everyone you knew to move to a place you’ve never been to start a life. That’s amazing.

her: but I didnt always keep in touch.

me: that is not all your fault. your family knew where you were and how to contact you. You cannot blame yourself for their actions. Although, you could have left a little differently than you did. Gave them more warning or explanation. But you did what you thought was right. What you had to do. Without your bravery and courage, I wouldn’t be the strong woman I am today. All the scary things I have done in my life, I did because of your decisions. So thank you.

her: your welcome, your turn

me: Are you angry with me? for not fullfilling your dreams? I am not a school teacher. And I don’t have any children. I know that is what you wanted.

her: You did fullfill my dreams. You are a strong and happy woman. You live in a place you love and have a man by your side that loves you and would move a mountain for you. how could I ask for more? as far as the old dreams, I am glad I had them. They got me through a lot of really hard times. but that’s all they were. You have bigger, more important goals in front of you now. After your transplant you will help others be strong like you. you are right where you are supposed to be. All the decisions we have made have led you to this very place in your life. You got this! Let all of that other stuff go, you don’t need it any more.

me: thank you. I miss you some times you know.

her: I am always here. but we are done for now.

With tears streaming down my face I watched that brave young woman cross over the bridge, take the hand of the little girl with her blue daisy and disapear into the trees.

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The Circle

Many years ago I attended a company seminar and acquired the most important tool in my tool box. I don’t always remember to utilize it, and recently a good friend reminded me to. Waiting for a phone call that will change my life and allow me to continue to live it tends to take a toll on the nerves. Anxiety creeps in, stress creeps in. I am always questioning. Is that phone call the coordinator with a donor heart offer, will it be today or tomorrow and if so am I ready, will the call even come? It’s enough to drive me mad.

If I want to stay sane, I need to remember my circle of control. I’m a visual person. I hold out my arms and make a circle. I visualize the things I can control inside the circle and things I cannot outside. Some days it seems like nothing is inside my circle. Those are the bad days. But, I know they won’t last and the good ones will come back around. The ones where I can see clearly into my circle. I see myself eating healthy, walking, meditating and keeping my attitude positive. If I can have more good days than bad and keep my sights set on the inside of that circle…I’ll make it!

Chelle

Be a hero. Be a donor.

https://www.donatlife.net/register/

What A Ride

When I started this blog, I decided I was going to write the truth. Whatever that may be. It may not always be pretty. it may not always be happy. As a matter of fact it may even be hard to read at times. But it will be honest. Here is the plain truth. I am exhausted. I am exhausted all the time. Some days it is more severe than others, but it is daily. This is the kind of exhaustion where you need to rest after showering. 

Most people think that I am still  living my life as usual until the call comes. It isn’t like that at all. Everything starts to change. One question that people get asked a lot is, if you could know your future, would you want to? Well, I know mine. And frankly, it sucks. Although I am absolutely confident I will get the call with a donor heart offer, my body is dying; my husband and I have to sit by and watch it happen. More than that, have to experience it happen. Every day I am waiting for that call, my body gets weaker, I get more short of breath, my memory slips a little more and my ability to comprehend and follow conversations becomes more difficult. I take 16 different medications daily and I am at my dosage maximum. The next treatment available is IV meds or an artificial heart pump. These treatments are merely a way to keep me alive until the call comes.

It is all a roller coaster ride. I have good days and I have bad days. I never know what the day will bring. Some days I can run an errand and some days are spent on the couch. The emotional ride I am on can be difficult for us to deal with at times. I try to keep my frustrations in check, I do not wish to add to my husbands stress and worry. He is my rock. Not only does he have a demanding full-time job, he cooks, takes care of things around the house, is my care giver and comes with me to all of my doctor appointments. It is the alone time that is the most difficult. Even though now a days I am asleep more than I am awake, those hours when I am by myself are starting to weigh on me. My mind starts wandering, and that is not a good thing when you are waiting to find out if you live or die.

I know I am being tested. My strength, my courage, my patience, my faith are all being tested. I know I will pass the test. I have to be stronger than the silence.

Chelle

Be a donor. Be a hero.