If you have been following me awhile, you have probably noticed that I haven’t written lately. Well, I needed to disconnect. For my own sanity.
I feel as though I’m a conscript in some strange transplant infantry where the war is against myself and the weapons keep changing. They keep me in a place where I have an opportunity to see my husband and mom, yet I cannot leave. I am confined to quarters that consist of my room, other patient rooms and the hallway. A couple times a week I score a day pass for two hours that allows me out of quarters with an escort of my choosing, yet I still cannot leave the grounds. I eat mystery meat and other questionable foods. I get weekend care packages from home that contain snacks and other goodies. There is constant noise and a barrage of interruptions. The nights are filled with anxiety and loneliness. There is no AWOL. The only escape is with an eye mask and headphones.
I am physically and emotionally drained. I want nothing more than to go home, yet I cannot. I must dig deep every day to find the energy to fight my battles; homesickness, boredom, containment, depression, agitation, anger. The list of battles goes on. Sometimes I just need to disengage. Instead of writing, I have been working on a paint by number and listening to audiobooks.
Writing is my passion. It’s also been my solace. Recently it was brought to my attention that my writing is not only important to me, but others like me. I was reminded that although the days here feel monotonous, each day does bring with it something new. I just have to look around to find it. To ground myself and find the positive. I was lovingly reminded that all these battles are opportunities to grow and strengthen.
To be a spiritual warrior means to develop a special kind of courage, one that is innately intelligent, gentle, and fearless. They can be frightened, but even so they are courageous enough to taste suffering, to relate clearly to their fundamental fear, and to draw out without evasion the lessons from difficulties. ~Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book Of Living And Dying
I consider myself an indomitable spiritual warrior.