Every Obstacle Is An Opportunity

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Officially, I have end stage heart failure. I am on an end stage heart failure medication that flows directly into my heart. Having said this; I, myself, am far from end stage. I have been on the transplant list at a status 1Ae for 26 days now, but whose counting? Actually, UNOS is counting. Every day you wait, counts. I am finally at the top of the list for my blood type and body size, so our wait is nearly over. It is important you know that a heart transplant is not a cure, it is merely an exchange from a terminal illness to a chronic one. And that is fine by me. I know how to do that, have been doing it my whole life.

Being a long-term patient here as been trying at times. I’ve laughed, cried, screamed (internally of course), shook my head, rolled my eyes, and cried some more. And I wouldn’t trade one minute of it. I have literally stripped down my life. No running errands, no business dinners with my husband, no traffic, none of the day to day distractions. I am left with myself. Just me. Just my thoughts. I could ignore them, keep myself distracted in other ways like tv, books or music. But that isn’t me. I embraced my thoughts. I chose to make this experience into an opportunity. I took a hard look at my life, and asked hard questions. My answers have enlightened me.

When faced with the reality that this surgery could lead to the end of my Earthly existence, I realized I have everything I need. Although I am not ready to leave them, I know my family loves me whole heartedly and any past issues are long resolved. I have created and maintained valued friendships, and found my best friend and soul mate. And most importantly, I have found purpose in my writing. I am fulfilled.

When I arrived here, I felt my world had shrunk. I was wrong. My world is overflowing with love, and I have been enlightened spiritually. My life is richer because I am here. For the first time I am fully present. In this moment. Facing my own mortality has taught me many things. Life is not what I do or what I have, but who I am. And that cultivates love. To fully engage with those around me. To listen with purpose and intent, instead of letting my thoughts wander.

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I expressed my gratitude every day leading up to my hospital admission. All our necessities were met; house, car, health insurance, food. Life was great, and we were happy. But some how, I missed it. There are so many more things that I took for granted that I don’t now; fresh air, birds singing, neighbor children’s laughter, the smell of the hardwoods and dirt, sunshine on my face. Even without these things, I am still very happy.

Without death, life would have no meaning. I am fortunate to learn this at such a young age. My journey is nowhere near over, and I will continue to grow and flourish. If I could give you one take away from my experience so far it is this. Don’t be a slave to your work. Sit in quiet reflection. Engage and be present with your loved ones. Because time is an illusion my friends. You’ll blink, and it will gone.

Chelle 

Click here to register to be an organ and tissue donor

 

An Open Letter To My Heart

 

My life coach Theresa Ann  and I have been discussing whether or not I was ready in all aspects of my life for my upcoming heart transplant. All range of topics came up; home life, family, physical ability, the spiritual aspect, the mental aspect, even the legal aspect if something where to go wrong. Yes, I feel absolutely ready and prepared.  Or so I thought. Until she threw this one at me…will you tell your native heart good-bye? And if so, what would that dialog look like? WOW. The thought never occurred to me. She is correct of course. After much meditation and prayer on the subject, I came up with a letter. I would now like to share that letter with you.
My Dearest Heart,

When I was first aware of you, I did not like you much. You seemed moody and agitated. People were constantly asking about you and poking and prodding me on your behalf. I hated it and I hated you. You embarrassed me in front of my friends, and no one wanted to play with me. My high school days were no better. The constant name calling in the locker room, the whispers in the halls when you were being monitored by the doctors. I never felt like a normal child. I lashed out. I was awful to my siblings and parents. I didn’t understand, why me? Out of five children, why me? I did not have the tools to cope with it.

Then as a young adult, I failed you. I should have watched out for you. Cared for you better. I am sorry I did not. I chose to forget about you. I tried to have a normal life. As you know, that did not work out. You seemed to get more agitated and sluggish. There were a few times I thought you were going to stop working and leave me all together. But then, I heard you whisper my name. It opened my eyes. I knew I had to start taking care of you if we were going to make it.

We have been through so much in our 42 years, some good and some not so good. You have always been there for me and not once did you let me down. They opened me up and scrambled you around, shoved wires and stents through you. I am so proud of you. You have done a great job and soon you will be able to rest. I am trying to be mindful of our time left focusing on each moment. Trying not to look too far ahead. I hate the sympathy I am getting. Some days I want to hole up and hide with you. Be around me is hard for some, it isn’t a comfortable thing for people, they don’t know what to do. But that isn’t your fault, I am sorry if I blame you.

I am not sure if I am ready to give you away. Part of holding on, is letting go I have asked to see you after surgery. To have proper closure, let’s hope they will. It must seem strange to you that you are being replaced. It feels strange to me too. But if I don’t have the surgery I won’t be around anymore. I know your replacement will be honored and celebrated. As it should be. I promise I will always cherish and love it as I do you.

I hope I have shown you much love and compassion. You should know I am grateful for the lifetime we shared. Your lifetime. Your spirit will mingle together with my donor heart. I will never forget you.

I write this with all the love I have.

Your Lifelong Companion,

Chelle

Be A Hero. Be An Organ Donor.


A Spiritual Heart Transplant {Conversations with Myself}

First i would like to thank Spirit for such a beautiful day. I am sitting on our back deck in 70+ degree weather in February in Erie. It’s unheard of. Usually the topics I share with you have pertained directly to my wait on the transplant list. Today, I would like to share something very deep and personal with you. I felt that in order to be prepared for this physical heart transplant, I also needed a spiritual heart transplant. And this is how it happened.

I closed my eyes, relaxed my body and became one with my breath. I imagined it was a beautifully sunny day with the perfect temperature and light breeze. I was walking through a meadow of colorful wildflowers following a path of short grass. I came upon a small child of about three years old sitting on the path holding a blue daisy. She turned, smiled and welcomed me over. The child was me. She had long brown hair, big brown eyes with long eyelashes, perfect coloring and a big magical smile. She was wearing a red gingham sundress and had a scar down the center of her chest. This was our conversation.

me: hi, wow you’re gorgeous.

her: thank you, so are you.

me: how are you? how do you feel?

her: I feel wonderful. I am a miracle, and so are you.

me: yes, we are. would you like to sit in my lap? I held her to me and rocked her back and forth.

me: you are so brave and courageous. I hope I can be that brave and courageous for my transplant.

her: you already are

me: i love you so much

her: i love you too.  I have to go now. You can come visit me anytime

With tears streaming down my face I watched the little girl and her blue daisy cross over a small creek bridge and into the trees. I hollered out to her..goodbye baby girl.

*After I gathered myself together, I went deep. I went to the place I know I needed to go but till now didn’t have the strength or courage to go.

I closed my eyes once more and returned to the meadow. As I walked along the path I met a young woman of about 23 or so. She had short brown hair, big brown eyes and wore an old ball cap with a red billiard ball on the front. She was very thin and frail looking in her top and cut off denim shorts. The young woman was me. This was our conversation.

her: hi, I’ve been waiting for you. She told me you would be coming

me: it’s nice to see you. how are you doing? {we walked down to the creek and sat on the edge tossing stones while we chatted}

her: I am lonely but doing well. I miss my family. Are you angry because I left and moved out here?

me: angry? no way. I am so proud of you. That took guts kid, leaving like you did. You left everyone you knew to move to a place you’ve never been to start a life. That’s amazing.

her: but I didnt always keep in touch.

me: that is not all your fault. your family knew where you were and how to contact you. You cannot blame yourself for their actions. Although, you could have left a little differently than you did. Gave them more warning or explanation. But you did what you thought was right. What you had to do. Without your bravery and courage, I wouldn’t be the strong woman I am today. All the scary things I have done in my life, I did because of your decisions. So thank you.

her: your welcome, your turn

me: Are you angry with me? for not fullfilling your dreams? I am not a school teacher. And I don’t have any children. I know that is what you wanted.

her: You did fullfill my dreams. You are a strong and happy woman. You live in a place you love and have a man by your side that loves you and would move a mountain for you. how could I ask for more? as far as the old dreams, I am glad I had them. They got me through a lot of really hard times. but that’s all they were. You have bigger, more important goals in front of you now. After your transplant you will help others be strong like you. you are right where you are supposed to be. All the decisions we have made have led you to this very place in your life. You got this! Let all of that other stuff go, you don’t need it any more.

me: thank you. I miss you some times you know.

her: I am always here. but we are done for now.

With tears streaming down my face I watched that brave young woman cross over the bridge, take the hand of the little girl with her blue daisy and disapear into the trees.