Happy Waitaversary To Me! Today marks the one year anniversary that the United Network of Organ Sharing added me to the national organ transplant wait list. I am very grateful just to be on the transplant list. It is quite an exclusive group, like a posh country club without the fancy food, expensive booze and pretentious conversation.
Looking back at this past year, there have been many changes. Some good, some not so good. The first ten months was filled with travel restrictions, extreme fatigue, emotional instability and the beginning of my loss in independence. The first thing I have learned after two months residing in the hospital, is those ten months were a cake walk compared to this. I had my furbabies, my husband and we were all together at home. Now we are two hours away from each other. And every day we wait seems like an eternity.
I have to agree with Dr. Einstein here. Residing in this place I have experienced time on time’s terms. And the terms are, none. It doesn’t exist. It’s an illusion. It’s all relative. When you are living your usual normal life, time seems to fly by. However, when you are waiting for a life saving organ transplant it moves at a snail’s pace. Once I started getting the “go juice” pumping into my heart, the game changed from a physical one to almost all mental/spiritual one. The thoughts foremost in our minds are; how many more days will we have to wait, will they find me a match, and if they don’t, I want to die at home.
Life is constantly surprising me. Death has always been my adversary, now in a strange twist it’s more of an ally to me. And that, my friends is very unsettling. I feel as though we are playing some kind of hellish game. With every thought or prayer of the doctors finding me a donor heart soon, I envision Death waiting in the shadows with an irreverent grin on its nasty face. Yes, I understand that my donor’s death and transition to the next plane will happen regardless of my obtaining a heart. Yet the guilt and sadness lives on. For now.
Some days I feel as though I have woken up in the cuckoos nest and expect to see Jack Nicholson walk around the corner at any moment. These are the times I have to practice self-preservation through self-care. The do not disturb sign goes up, the sleep phones go on and The Honest Guys do their thing. Keeping busy is my salvation here. Working on my writing, practicing meditation, reading, goofing off with the nurses and enjoying family visits have all been my saving grace. I feel there are many more lessons to be learned. Letting go is one of them. For if I can let go, I shall find peace again.